Accessing your Inner Child

All of us have young parts inside of us — parts who are terrified or sad, who feel or felt left out, who feel powerless in a world that they don’t understand, who carry trauma or insurmountable grief or overwhelming sensations. Often their emotions, beliefs and sensations are sourced from our past, but they feel as though they are happening in the present, putting a map of the past over the struggles of the present and believing that the same thing will happen this time.

Many of us send these young parts of us to the basements of our minds and hearts, either because we cannot handle the intensity of their experiences or because society or the significant people in our lives do not accept these parts of us as they are — they are too much, too dysfunctional, too insecure, or perhaps they remind someone else of their own little parts that they are not yet ready to look at or tend to.

Yet these young parts inside of us that have been sent away are in desperate need of care. There are so many ways we can tend to our young parts. Sometimes we need the support of a trusted therapist to venture into these vulnerable places. It can be helpful to regard these parts of us as children, needing small or large amounts of care that they can trust and depend upon in order to relax and feel that they belong to something or someone. We can also send these young parts of us to be in a place where they feel safe, held and nurtured, such as in nature or with a trusted adult that was there for them when they were small. Sometimes simply offering our attention and curiosity to the places inside of us that feel vulnerable is what they most need.

Today, I bought a large pillow stuffed animal for one of my young parts who wanted something soft to hold.

Attending to Ourselves

“Do you make regular visits to yourself?” - Rumi

As I sit in this coffee shop early in the morning, I notice everyone around me is multi-tasking. The women across from me seems to be taking a business phone call while scrolling through her e-mail. An older man is talking to a slightly younger man about a trip he recently took while his eyes dart beyond this man, watching children playing outside beyond the glass windows. And there is a young man a few tables over from me writing something in word on his laptop while taking breaks every minute or so to check his Instagram. This is the world of today. In order to succeed, we must do a lot with our time. Relaxation and attention are jewels that we find in sparing moments.

I do this, too. I notice my own attention ricocheting off of each of these interactions around me in this coffee shop, as it is easier to for my attention to wander than to settle in on one thing. 

But attention, when cultivated, can be a powerful force of compassion and love.

When we pay attention fully to another human being, they feel heard, respected, and cared about. Sadly, sometimes this experience can be rare. I vividly remember a few times I felt this type of attention. One was following a painful romantic breakup, and a friend of mine sat with me for hours. Sometimes I cried, sometimes we talked, and sometimes we just sat in silence. The space this friend held for me to just be me was powerful. Feeling held and cared for, I could relax and allow my emotions to run their course.

In my experience, this attention turned inward can create relief and healing, especially if it is done regularly.

How often do we really pay attention to ourselves, our body sensations, emotions, and impulses? Let’s pause for a moment while reading and practice this. First just take a breath. Inhale and let it out, noticing what this feels like.

Scan through your body: notice if there are places of tension, tingling, heaviness, relief. Start at your head, taking your time to notice whatever needs to be noticed. Whatever you find, try to hold it with gentleness, accepting that it is here. 

Next, notice if there are any strong feelings happening in your body and mind. Are you slightly anxious, tense? Is there sadness, and if so, where do you feel it in your body? Are you frustrated, replaying a scene in your mind of something that happened earlier today? Again, whatever you find, try to hold it with gentleness, accepting that it is here.

Take another breath, noticing what it is like to have paused and checked in with yourself. And then let this whole exercise go.

When I first encountered meditation as a teenager, parts of me that had been hidden far within my psyche were finally able to be seen and heard. If we don’t know what is going on within us, how can we tend to ourselves, how can we help? Mindfulness meditation asks that we pause and actually pay attention to what is happening, including our breath, body sensations, thoughts and emotions. Whenever I pay attention to what is happening inside, parts of me are able to be seen and relax. I notice more about myself and in noticing and listening, I am able to tend to parts of myself that need love and care. 

Sometimes attending to ourselves can also take the form of going to therapy, journaling, talking to a close friend about what’s really going on with us, or simply pausing in the midst of the day and just checking in and asking ourselves how we are doing. Whatever way you prefer to make visits to yourself, I encourage and challenge you to make it more of a habit. Perhaps pausing before beginning the day to take a deep breath, or checking in with how you’re feeling as you take a shower. Or maybe journaling or taking a bath at the end of the day. For me, I challenge myself this week to get to my meditation cushion each morning before I begin the day.